I was scrolling through Facebook the other night and started reading the comments on some mommy post. Oh my goodness, you guys! So many people out there who are SO ABSOLUTELY SURE ABOUT EVERYTHING! Like, teach me your ways, because this mama has doubts sometimes, you know?
Anyway, I lurked for a while and then moved on but my snarky Irish New Yorker thoughts were crashing around in my head and I had to let them out. 😉
DO NOT PROCEED WITHOUT A SENSE OF HUMOR. READING THIS POST WITHOUT A SENSE OF HUMOR COULD BE HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH. Or something.
Ready? Here we go: things I don’t care about AT ALL while I’m here in the trenches of motherhood!
- What you feed your kid. You want to feed your kid whole grains, kale and organic only? Awesome. You want to feed your kid cereal, goldfish and chocolate chip cookies? Cool. I’m over here feeding my own pack of tiny humans with bottomless stomachs, so unless your kid wants to eat what I’m cooking, I’m fine with leaving your meals up to you. And yeah, that goes for formula and breast milk, too. You do you, girlfriend.
- What your kid is wearing. Your kid likes to wear pajama pants with his favorite Hulk tee and his shoes on the wrong feet with a winter hat in 70 degrees? Sounds good to me! To be honest, I’m probably over here too busy sniffing diapers and hoping that brown spot on the toddler isn’t a potty accident. If I notice what your kid is wearing, though, I promise to give you a smile and thumbs up. Or not. That’s creepy. But anyway.
- How you celebrate holidays and birthdays with your kid. Some go big, some go small, some do nothing really at all. So. Much. Dr. Seuss in my life right now. But seriously – how you do birthdays or any other special day really doesn’t affect my life at all. Throw a giant wedding-size bash for your 1-year-old if that brings you joy. Just remember to invite me. Because cake. And babies. And party.
- Where your kid goes to school. Public, private, homeschool – you picked your pick because you think it’s best. So did everyone else. Right? Right. The end. See how easy this is, darlings? Come join me on the light side. I have Nutella. And coffee. Or kale and breast milk if that’s more your style! #imflexiblelikethat
- What you read in that parenting book. … because, seriously – you lost me at “had time to read a parenting book!” haha
- What you think parenting multiples will be like while you’re still parenting your first in utero. Can we all please just take a moment to laugh together over this one? Weren’t we so cute back then? Adorbs. Look at us knowing all the things while we grew our first baby and had everything figured out. 😉
- What your kid does at what age. Listen, folks, I barely kept track of all that with my first, so at this point I’m going to give a giant, automatic “You win!” to anyone playing the who-did-what-first-game. Yes, your kid is awesome. A genius! You must feed him lots of kale. Mine eats too many goldfish. But I gave him lots of organic berries – that should help, right?!
- How you put your kid to sleep at night. You want to stay snuggled up till she’s 10? Sounds good. You use a pack and play in your room? Perfect. You made a separate nursery full of all the latest decor and furniture? How fun. I’ll just be over here doing whatever it takes to get them all to sleep because oh-my-goodness Mama needs to sit down for a minute and hear myself think! But don’t dress your baby in those organic cotton, perfectly matched pajamas. It might make my baby feel bad. Mine’s wearing her “Santa’s Favorite” pjs leftover from Christmas that are at least 2 sizes too small. #butheytheyreclean
In case any of this was lost on you – mommy wars are so 2016, darlings. Let’s be real – we’re doing our best, loving our kids, drinking too much coffee and sneaking spoonfuls of Nutella while we tell the kids to eat their veggies.
But don’t ever stop drinking coffee or I might judge you for that.
Just a little. 😉