Fidelis Ad Mortem

My mind can’t find the words to type what I am feeling.

I keep starting to write and instead of words, there are tears.

Instead of coherent sentences, there are images and emotions crashing around in my head.

How does it happen so fast? One minute, a “quiet” night, and the next – a nightmare.

The routine, calm voices over the radio, suddenly turned to an agonized and desperate cry for help.

The sharp contrast of practical coordinates – and the frenetic screams.

Where are the words to describe the courage of a heart strong enough to wear that uniform, carry that shield, and lay down her life, not only for a friend, but for strangers. To give of herself – her body and soul – to protect, to serve, to guide, to love – no matter what the cost.

Where are the words to honor the memory of a woman so generous, to mourn the loss of a spirit so loving?

She had the courage to give her life – but tonight I begged my husband with every part of me, not to leave my side. I begged him not to strap that gun to his belt. I begged him to let someone else take his place, to let someone else right the wrongs, and fight the evil that seems so constant and so unstoppable.

I do not have her courage – nor his.

I watched him leave tonight, and all their faces flashed before my eyes.

They swore to protect.

They swore to serve, to give, to fight.

“Fidelis ad mortem” – Faithful unto death.

Last night their hearts were shattered, a sister lost though never forgotten, but today they picked up the pieces of their hearts and called on that courage to fight the fight again.

To my husband and all our police family – Be faithful. Be the good. Fight the eternal fight of good vs. evil.

But oh, my dearest, please, please, please – come home!







  1. Oh Anna I wish I couĺd give you a Hug❤❤❤My son is also a Police Officer. I Pray for him and all the other Officers. As soon as I heard about the Officer in New York I thought of you and your family. I will keep you and your husband & and kiddos in my Prayers!!! ((((HUGS))))

  2. I was her. I was him. I am you. I am a retired police officer, married to a police officer. I am the granddaughter, daughter, sister, niece of police officers. I get it. It’s a calling. It’s in our blood, whether we like it or not. I’m sick over this murder of a sister. Sick. You can’t stop him. We all just must pray, to whom or what ever, pray that this stops. ? RIP PO Familia.

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