Tomorrow – Who Is Next?

NYPD

I woke up this morning and saw his face everywhere. I kept hoping that it was just another rumor, and that someone had it wrong. I felt the ache wash over me, that pain in my heart that had only just begun to heal.

I saw his face, his body dressed in that familiar blue, his eyes made serious for his official picture. 25 years old – and gone.  Who will mourn him? Who will even remember his name?  The names of violent criminals have become common on the lips of everyone in this country, while he, and the thousands more like him go quietly to their graves, their sacrifice deemed less important on the nightly news than the birth of a royal child overseas or a has-been celebrity’s big announcement.

There is no way to explain what happened. Not this time, nor any other.

All the feelings rush in, all over again. Horror at the act, rage at the injustice, relief that it wasn’t my own who died, and guilt over that relief. “Hey, did you hear about that cop who was shot?” I hear people casually ask in the store, and I struggle to hold back my tears. Has it come to this? His brutal and vicious murder is merely another topic over lunch break?

My husband’s eyes are full of pain, betrayal. Another life lost, but no connection will be made in the minds of the public. The criminals and the evil hearts grow more confident by the day, sure that whatever happens, they will riot and yell and throw nation-wide tantrums until they have beaten the good into the ground.

But the good never dies forever. You can burn the cities, pillage the stores, spit on their graves, and accuse them unjustly, and yet tomorrow my husband will once again stand up and serve. He will put on that uniform and wear it proudly, his heart battered but never weak.

He will walk the streets you are afraid to travel.

He will face the horror you see only on your screens.

He will hold the bruised, beaten body of a toddler and sing her the lullabies he sings to his children.

He will watch young people throw their lives away, buying into the lies and agenda of rich, soul-less politicians, and his helplessness will make him angry.

He will try desperately to hold onto his humanity, sometimes by the smallest thread, even while he is surrounded by man’s inhumanity to man.

And I –  every day, I will kiss him goodbye, never sure that I will feel his lips on mine again. Every knock, every phone call will fill me dread, and every news report will make me scream inside. Today, it is another. Tomorrow – who is next?

Tonight, I will fall asleep in his arms, sure that for these few hours, he is safe and he is well.

Tomorrow – we will begin it all again.

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61 Comments

  1. Everyday I pray that all the men and women who put on their uniform and pin their badge to their chest return home at the end of your to their loved ones waiting at home. Even though my husband is now retired from the NYPD I dreaded every time I heard a news report about an officer down. I was so fearful until he called to tell me he was safe and the others in his plain clothes unit were all safe. I also knew that if he got hurt on the job of he was able to call me, I knew he would be ok …eventually. Now, every time I hear sad news regarding a police officer I pray that it isn’t a friend or family member that are proudly wearing the badge. I also am proud and scared and nervous for my sons that want to wear the same badge that their dad wore.

    1. Lately I feel like I am counting the days to his retirement… and it’s still a lot of days away. It’s changed so much just in his relatively short time on the job. Our oldest son is still very little but tells us how he wants to be a cop also! Prayers for you and your sons, and thank you to your husband for his years of service! <3

  2. Thank you for putting so eloquently into words the emotions i live with on a day to day basis. I am new to the role of cop wife, but have been the daughter and niece to one my whole life. The fear has only grown stronger over the last few months and you are right no matter what “tomorrow – we will begin it all again.” Bless you and your family.

  3. Such articulate sentiments well worded by a police-wife. Thanks for giving a voice to what is in my heart. ♡

  4. Thank you Anna. I am a Sergeant in a police department just outside of Atlanta. The things you said in that post were very similar to what I wrote just moments before reading your thoughts. My wife is the step-daughter of an officer as well, so she has been around it most of her life. Sometimes when I am stuck on a late call, I will get a text message asking if I am okay. I then know she can’t sleep because I am not home when I am supposed to be. Hopefully we will get things restored to the right order before it is too late. Thank you for your support, we really need people like you right now.

    1. Thank YOU for your service and courage. As hard as it is be a police wife in all this, I cannot even imagine what it must be like for all of you who are actually out there in the thick of it. Prayers for your safety, always! <3

  5. R.I.P. youngP.O. Brian Moore. I cried so much when I heard the news. Brian reminds me of my son who is in a plain clothes unit and only 28 also always wanted to.follow in my footsteps as I too am a police officer. His father a Lieutenant almost ready to retire. My NYPD son is our only son. I pray everyday that God protects him. I could never live without him. I can only imagine what Po.Moore”s parents are going through right now. No parent shoukd bury their child. My condolences to his family.

  6. I love your words and thoughts. This is what I think of every day that my husband or son in law put on that badge and leave for work. ?

  7. Thank you Anna, your words are mine. I have a 26 year old son in one of the highest crime areas in the NYPD. His twin sister is married to a NYC cop. Another 28 year old son is a CO newly married with a baby and I am always scared but never showing it. Kudos to you, kiddo. Your words are a bit of a balm for my soul. Thank you.

  8. NO ONE KNOWS WHAT WE LIVE DAY BY DAY, WE ARE COUNSELORS,WE FIX THE PROBLEMS THAT YOU CAN’T , WE PUSH YOU VEHICLE WHEN YOU RAN PUT OF GAS,WHEN YOUR KIDS DON’T BEHAVE YOU CALL US , …. BUT WHEN IT COMES TO A BROTHER BEING KILL IN THE LINE OF DUTY, WHAT THE MEDIA DOES ?>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> DO WE HAVE RAPERS WITH THE PICTURE OF THE OFFICER FACE?, OR THE NAACP ON THE NEWS GIVING SUPPORT FOR THE OFFICER’S FAMILY.

  9. She wrote what I was thinking, what I think daily.. I read this to my husband last night and couldn’t stop the tears from falling. My heart breaks ? , my husband was home safe last night.. I am thankful..

  10. Another brother has already fallen. ? Idaho police officer Greg Moore was fatally shot in the head and left to die in the street. Thank God my husband is retired. My thoughts and prayers are with the men and women who serve every day.

    1. I saw – so incredibly sad. </3 Thank your husband for his service – and thanks to YOU for the job you did as an LEOW! xoxo

  11. That was very moving, I also pray for my husband everyday… usually as soon as he walks out that door…he is not an officer, but none of us knows what will happen on any given day, we can only trust, pray and have faith. All the best to you Anna and your family.

  12. Wonderful thoughts and sentiments. Having survived 21 years in the NYPD I know all to well the heartbreak and sorrow that all our families go through. It’s knowing that we have this support from our family and community that keep us going. Thank you again.

    1. John, thank you for your service – and for your words. Sometimes I feel so useless on this end of things, but I hope with all my heart that the love and support my husband feels at home will strengthen him for when he goes back out there. God bless!

  13. WE will mourn him. WE will remember his name. WE will make the connections. We who love every man & woman who puts on the uniform, and stands behind their shield, we who were raised by, married to, grew up with these heroes will remember them, shout their bravery from every rooftop, and PRAY for their safety thru each and every shift.
    Your words are beautiful, please count on us to worry right along side of you. God Bless our LEOs!

  14. Perfectly said Anna! As the mother of a LEO I fear the phone ringing while he is on shift and rejoice the next time I hear his voice!

  15. Thank you for your heartfelt yet gut wrenching words. While I am not a wife, as a mother I feel the same way. This death hits even harder for me being that my son is also 25. I see his face everytime I see Brian’s–his carefree smile is one that haunts me each night as I try to rest. I pray each and every day for peace but I know it may never come. God bless.

    1. Laurie, I cannot even imagine being a mother of an officer in the current climate. Prayers for your son’s continued safety and much love to you. God bless! xoxo

  16. As a retired Deputy Sheriff Sgt I am just sickened at the way my brother and sister officers are being treated.Anna I could not add anything to your wonderful post, you see my husband is also a retired Deputy Sheriff. Fortunately we almost always worked together but on the rare occasions that we didn’t I felt the fear you feel. I also know my wonderful parents were scared to death every night I went to work. My prayers are for all my brother and sister officers on the job and their families and of course for Ofc. Brian Moore and his family.

  17. As the wife of an NYPD officer I thank you for putting into words what my heart feels. May God bless and protect all LEO, every day! We thank them!

  18. Truly beautiful! I am the wife of an NYPD officer, and each of these killings of our spouses, friends, sons, daughters, etc are absolutely horrific! It’s like you said, the criminals names will live on, sadly, and the ones who died at their hands will slowly be forgotten… Hopefully, we can prevent that from happening!

    1. They will always be remembered by their own, we will make sure of that! Love and hugs to you and your family, and prayers for your LEO’s continued safety! xoxo

  19. Anna,

    Thank you so much for sharing this message with the world. I am a teacher that left law enforcement in attempt to make a difference in a different way. Sometimes I feel isolated with my views in the new political world I find myself (education). Sadly I share two common characteristics…the helpless feeling that I cannot save them all and the inability to speak out about the issues for fear of my employment. However, I know the good fight is worth the fight! Please tell your husband I thank him for his service and God Bless!.

    1. My husband and I both worked briefly as teachers also – bizarre how similar the jobs are in a lot of ways, as you mentioned. Thank you for your kind words and your support. God bless! xoxo

  20. This is exactly how I feel. My fiancé is a NYPD officer and every time he leaves the house, I wonder the same thing. He just left for work 5 minutes ago and I don’t stop worrying until the moment he comes home.

    Thank you for this.

    1. Sinead, it’s so hard to explain to non-LEOWs, but I love being reminded that I am definitely not alone in this. Hugs to you and prayers for your fiance’s safety, always!

  21. Holding the line and sending our support from Missouri. Across the nation, we are family.
    xoxo, LEO Wife – ej

  22. This could not be more perfectly reflecting of what is happening in our precious country. Thank you for sharing! God bless!

  23. I have no words just tears….You said it all so Beautifully? May the Lord Bless LE community and keep them safe!!! From a Mother of an Officer in Minnesota???

    1. I cannot even imagine being a mother of an officer in these times. Prayers for his/her continued safety and much love to you!

  24. Once again you have put the perfect words out into the universe and soothed my heart knowing someone understands. Please know that I, like so many other spouses of LEOs share your grief, worry, and outrage. Where is this going? The world is upside down.

  25. Reblogged this on Coffee and Common Sense and commented:
    This brought a tear to my eye. Brian’s life was so important and ended so soon. I don’t always think about Anna’s own husband being a police officer I just enjoy her blogs. When something this tragic happens though I am reminded that this beautiful woman’s husband also puts his life on the line to protect us. I hope you all will read this post and I hope that you will share it and remind each other daily that these officers who risk their lives for you deserve your respect. No more looting, no more violence, and no more acting like the cops are the bad guys. Dad would say that we have all be transported to some Bizzarro world. Cops are the good guys, thugs, criminals, murders, scum that shoot cops are the bad guys. Let’s remember Brian’s name and honor him, not the piece of garbage that took his life.

  26. Thank you for your heartfelt tribute to the LE community; those who are currently serving, those who have served in the past, & sadly, those whose lives have been lost.

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