Where’s Your Husband?

I’m there alone – again – and it’s only a matter of time before someone asks.

The day was long, it’s still not over, and the hours of single parenting are wearing me down.

I sit quietly. The breezy small talk isn’t coming easily to me today, but I smile as the other parents chat.

And then, the inevitable: “Where’s your husband? I haven’t seen him in a while!”

I answer cheerily, the same response I always give, and the conversation turns to other things.

But my mind lingers on the words.

“Where’s your husband?”

I don’t know where you are.

Are you sitting at a desk filling out reports, drinking coffee and trying to stay awake after working 27 hours straight?

Are you running down an alley, chasing a man who cares more for drug money than for his life or yours?

Are you talking to that homeless woman? Her mind is too ill to hold a job or save her money, but she knows your kind voice and always wants you to stay with her.

Are you standing on the side of a bridge, speaking calmly, reassuring a desperate man that his life matters, that there is good still here for him? Are you praying that your words reach his heart in time, and are you feeling that surge of relief when he finally turns to grab your hand?

Are you driving frantically to another officer’s aid?

Are you searching for that missing grandmother?

Are you the one putting cuffs on the man who did unspeakable things to his own child?

Are you holding a mother in your arms as you tell her that her baby died? Are you trying to erase the image of that tiny body from your mind? You can’t erase it. It will be seared there forever, just like all the others.

Are you fighting with the man who is made almost unbreakable by the drugs running through him? Are you seeing crowds gather all around, phones held high to watch you struggle, as they secretly hope that their video will be the viral one tomorrow?

Oh my love, is your heart tired? Are you standing somewhere quiet all alone, wondering what your sacrifice is worth?

Are you kneeling in the street, pressing your hands to a gunshot wound, whispering the lie, “You’re going to be alright,” watching that 12-year-old’s face fade into death? Are you angry again, seeing all the blood, a child’s blood? Another child lost to the endless cycle of violent crime in his own town.

Are you standing in line for your meal, your first food in 12 hours, hearing the woman behind you mutter about the “lazy pigs getting paid to eat?”

Where are you?

Are you in the station house, laughing with other officers? Are you driving to answer a call? Are you knocking on the door of that elderly woman who keeps calling because she hates to be alone?

Are you kicking in a door, stopping a robbery, breaking up a fight, pulling a husband off his battered wife?

Are you standing somewhere with your gun drawn, your heart beating fast, your voice loud, your body tense, your mind screaming: Don’t make me do this!!

Oh, my love, where are you?

Are you on the radio, your voice fading, the dispatcher trying desperately to bring you backup? Are you thinking of me right now, of your babies? Are you remembering all the things we planned to do, all the promises we made, and all the love we have yet to share? Are you thinking of our last kiss goodbye, and that you told me you’d always come home?

“Where’s your husband?”

I do not know.

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31 Comments

  1. Thanks for sharing this story, and thank you for you and your husband’s sacrifice. As a 24 year veteran of law enforcement, I can attest to the reality of the situation shared by all of our LEO’s and their families. Law Enforcement is the noblist of all professions in my opinion, especially in this day and age. The ones who become part of the thin blue line answer a calling, and their families sacrifice just as much. As I near the twilight of my career, I feel the heartache of the birthdays and holidays I have missed. Even now as an Assistant Chief I can say it has not become any easier. I just spent 17 hours at a crime scene while my wife held the fort.

    1. Thank you so much for reading and for YOUR sacrifices all these years! It’s not an easy life on either end, but I’m sure your family has felt your love all along, even when you had to miss a special day. Sending lots of love to you and your family, and prayers for your safety always! xo

  2. Thank you so much for sharing this, when my boyfriend sent me this he initially said I sent something for you to read.. I had no idea I’d have tears rolling down my face as I read it. Although I’m not married, the same exact thoughts go though my head and you perfectly wrote something that spoke to my heart.. this is so real and heart wrenching thanks for sharing and conveying how every women or man dating someone who is a police officer feels! Will continue to keep all the law inforcement in my prayers❤???

    1. Thanks so much for taking the time to comment, Courtney! That means a lot to me. This police life thing definitely isn’t easy, but I always love hearing from and connecting with other wives and girlfriends who know exactly what I’m talking about. Hugs to you! xoxo

  3. As a LEO, we sometimes forget about the sacrifices that our significant other goes through, while we do our civic duties. Thank you for reminding us of their sacrifices of living with a LEO.

  4. May the Lord watch over your husbands and your wives who sacrifice their lives everyday. May the Angel protect them in time of need and bring them home safe to their spouse and children. God Bless them. We are so thankful for the Job that they chose. No greater Love than to sacrif ice their own for our safety. Always in my prayers.

  5. I wasn’t expecting to cry reading this, but my eyes welled up more and more with each line. Recently an illegal immigrant, that was deported twice already, repeatedly stabbed at my LEO’S chest. Thankfully his Kevlar vest saved his life. The man is being charged with attempted murder of a police officer amongst other things.
    Thanks k you for sharing. God bless these men and women in blue (and their families)that sacrifice so much (even the ultimate)

  6. I feel like it’s one of the hardest questions we have to answer while holding back tears because we always feel so alone. Thank you for sharing. #leowifelife

  7. What a poignant piece. While I do not know these trials that you as the mom of a Police Officer, and your children, my thoughts and appreciation for all the sacrifices that you as a family have made to keep us safe and protected. It takes special people to do this work, and even more special are the ones they kiss goodbye every morning, and hopefully kiss hello every evening. To you and yours, and to all the other men and women in Blue, to the rest of the first responders team, Thank you, Thank You and may God Bless you and Watch over you all.

  8. Love this.. this is every day for our men and women I pray daily for safely yet productive work day so I can get that kiss again that night or before the Next shift begins.

  9. I am actually listening to my husbands sirens as he drives over 100 mph to catch the burglar that has plagued our neighborhood. I don’t know how bad these guys are and I am just waiting for that reassuring call, because we were on the phone when the call came out and he knows I’m worried. Blessed are the peacemakers.

  10. Thank you for sharing. If everyone could read this, they would know how we feel, it could have been written by every wife of an officer. Again, thank you for sharing.

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